Rotton Riting

A Bedtime Story

2009-07-09T10:18:00.000-07:00

All the doctors at St. Helena’s Hospital agreed there was little hope for Fred as every organ in his body was shutting down after a lifetime of smoking, alcohol abuse and poor eating habits,

The inside of his intestinal tract looked like a dirty, dank, and decaying subway system in some crumbling inner city, where blackened polyps hung in every corner lurking like tiny ticking terrorist time bombs waiting to explode into a burst of cancerous activity.

However to Tommy the Tapeworm this was home.

Social Scientist

2006-03-31T08:37:00.000-08:00

Rodney was a social scientist, which meant he couldn’t explain electricity or anything like that, but if you ever needed to know about people he was your man.

Peaches and Cream

2006-03-23T03:55:00.000-08:00

To Bob and Phyllis life was not all peaches and cream, although they had to admit it is mostly peaches and cream, sometimes peaches with Cool Whip but never-the-less still pretty good; they both knew their marriage needed to be worked on, but they couldn’t decide whether to have the work done professionally or to do it themselves.

Chick Lit

2006-03-22T03:25:00.000-08:00

After three failed marriages, scores of disastrous relationships, many financial reversals, along with countless physical ailments, through it all Annabelle always had good luck parking and she found a spot right outside the art show where she was hoping to discover either a terrific new artist, maybe a date for the weekend, or at least a good, cheap, drinkable California white.

The Refrigerator

2006-03-21T05:23:00.000-08:00

When you wake up in the night craving for a snack, ask not for whom the refrigerator hums . . . it hums for thee.

Feelings

2006-03-20T08:05:00.000-08:00

He was one of those shadowy figures who inhabit the mysterious twilight world where the medical and legal professions meet but he had finally met his equal in Doris a strong woman, the type who could hang sheetrock all day long then go home and change the transmission in her Jeep; suddenly he felt like some computer hacker from Teaneck, New Jersey had gained access to his feelings and he found himself revealing to her his belief that life is a constant striving for balance, requiring frequent tradeoffs between morality and necessity, within a cyclic pattern of joy and sadness, forging a trail of bittersweet memories and she told him of her plans to go bowling.

A Face in the Crowd

2006-03-18T06:47:00.000-08:00

Jonathan fought his way through the crowd towards the familiar beaming, smiling face as he recognized the strange yellow skin tone that seemed to radiate happiness, he held out his hand. “I know you from somewhere, some advertising campaign from way back, what was it?” His fingers snapped as the wheels in his memory bank turned then clicked into place; the fingers ceased their snapping and pointed. “Have a nice day, right. I thought you were dead.”

An Ill Wind

2006-03-17T06:10:00.000-08:00

Rupert felt a blast of hot air like the Santa Anna winds that blow through the San Fernando Valley in October, drying out your lips and irritating your eyes, when the feint aroma that wafted up between the sheets told him Priscilla had farted and that it was the same familiar stench he had smelled once before that evening; at that moment he realized a grave injustice had been done earlier when his beloved golden retriever Bruce had been awakened from a peaceful sleep and was made to go outside.

Travel Fiction

2006-03-16T03:50:00.000-08:00

It was day three into the expedition when the elephant died leaving Sebastian to ponder what were the odds given the life expectancy of an elephant and the choices he had when he walked into Hertz Elephant Rental that he would pick one that was about to expire?

Pool

2006-03-15T03:55:00.000-08:00

She’d been used by more men than the cue chalk in a sleazy pool room, handled as roughly and put aside just as casually and like the balls in a game of pool she had been set up time and time again only to be broken apart once more and then pushed around, sometimes gently kissed but more often that not slammed against the cushions.

Horoscope

2006-03-13T06:33:00.000-08:00

Sybil pondered on her way to work about her horoscope she had read that morning over breakfast and how it had said she should look out for a tall dark stranger; she wondered as there were several million other Pisces in competition would there be enough tall dark strangers to go around and how tall is a tall dark stranger anyway? And if one of them was particularly dark then maybe it wouldn’t matter if he were not that tall or if he was not that dark then he would have to be very tall to compensate and should he be fair in complexion then he would have to be enormous; if on the other hand he was quite short and fair then it wouldn’t really matter as long as he was particularly strange.

Fairy Tale

2006-03-12T07:12:00.000-08:00

The Wizard of Oz had fallen on hard times and most people agreed it was largely due to his failure to keep up with changes in technology. He had refused to move into the computer age and still wrote his spells out in longhand and kept them in an outdated card index system. His client base had dwindled and everyone agreed the wonderful Wizard of Oz just wasn’t the wizard he was.

Romantic Fiction

2006-03-11T05:55:00.000-08:00

She’d been left on the shelf longer than the bean burrito in her catering truck that she parked outside the factory that made vandal proof stainless steel urinals for city parks hoping to catch a glimpse of a particular young welder named Cliff who always came out to the truck wearing his welding mask at a jaunty angle above his face, he would smile and nod hello which would cause his mask to fall down in front of his face and embarrassed he would flip it back up like a knight in shining armor flipping open the visor in his helmet but Cliff’s armor consisted of leather gloves and welder’s apron and the only thing shiny about him was the steel toecaps of his safety boots.

Soup

2006-03-10T05:46:00.000-08:00

Corwin stepped outside and the humidity hit him like he’d stepped into a bowl of hot cream of mushroom soup, or maybe chicken noodle soup, but no chicken noodle soup was not sticky enough and plus he was not bumping into any noodles this was definitely like cream of mushroom soup.

Adventure Fiction

2006-03-09T03:40:00.000-08:00

Clive realized that his plan to float naked down the Amazon in an inner-tube had not been thoroughly thought through and in his haste to get into the Guinness Book of World Records it had not occurred to him that the reason no one had attempted this before could be summed up in one word……… Piranhas.

Literary Fiction

2006-03-08T04:16:00.000-08:00

He awoke from his sleep and turned to study his aging wife lying beside him, the morning sun through their bedroom window was not the best light he had ever seen her in but he would never tell her that and not wishing to wake her he traced the lines with his finger some inches from her face, here a line made by laughter and here another brought on by the sorrows and hardships of life, he thought of all they had been through and he remembered the vibrant and exiting young woman he had once known, running through the cornfields her long brown hair shining in the sunlight, how they had laughed together and talked of their dreams; he wondered where she was now and at this moment wished he had married her instead.

Murder Mystery

2006-03-07T06:37:00.000-08:00

The janitors body lay just inside the door a small puncture wound just below his right ear oozed blood like hot grease from a roasting bratwurst pierced with a fork except that grease isn't red and the blood wasn't that hot and it wasn't a fork that poked him but a screwdriver, not the Philips cross-head type but a long thin one the kind electricians use and you can often find in the bargain bin at the hardware store near the cash register along with plastic flashlights, and cheap ‘Made in China’ wire cutters that you buy but never use because they won’t cut wire worth a damn and at best will only put a small indent in the wire so you can at least bend it back and forth until it breaks.

Sunset

2006-03-06T05:08:00.000-08:00

As he stood taking in the breathtaking sunset he marveled at the dark grays fading to blue and purple above the bright vermilion blending to orange and yellow, and finally as the sun slipped behind the snowcapped mountain peak leaving it outlined with a pale vanilla halo, he realized this was indeed God’s country and at that moment he made himself a promise; never to buy sunglasses from someone parked by the roadside again.

Crossroads

2006-03-05T04:37:00.000-08:00

Bill stood at the crossroads knowing there were only two ways he could go. He could take out his gun and shoot up a side street, or he could pull out his knife and cut through the alley. Either way he knew he was on a one way street without a paddle, up ship creek without a leg to stand on. Suddenly he had a premonition that felt like an anticipation of a future event and he went to the right knowing it was wrong, but although he knew two wrongs didn’t make a right he told himself three rights would make a left.

Adventure Fiction

2006-03-04T05:06:00.000-08:00

The fight cleared the little one-room biker bar quicker than a mime on Karaoke night leaving Eddie looking down at his friend as he lay on the floor amongst the broken glass and spilt beer desperately gasping his final breaths, blood oozing from a stab wound in his chest like jelly from a Krispy Kreme donut, leaving Eddie with the dilemma, should his friend live long enough for the paramedics to get there he could leave with him in the ambulance, or in the event he should die first Eddie would be left with the bar tab.

Desert

2006-03-03T04:54:00.000-08:00

Ethan trudged across the seemingly endless desert salt flats, stopping briefly every thirty minutes or so to take a sip of his precious water, the sun’s rays relentlessly beating down on him boiling every drop of moisture from his lips and eyeballs, burning the tips of his ears and baking the brain in his scull, but he took comfort in the fact that the sun was also bleaching his hair and putting in those lovely blonde highlights, the ones that normally would cost a fortune at Mimi’s Hair Salon, and he smiled as he thought how great it would look with his biscuit colored shirt and his new Gloria Vanderbilt denim jacket.

Crime Fiction

2006-03-02T03:47:00.000-08:00

Detective Andrews knew before he even looked at the body lying beside the bike trail that he was dealing with a cycle path.

Western Fiction

2006-03-01T04:06:00.000-08:00

As Hank Larson pushed aside the swing doors of the saloon the noise of conversation stopped and hostile eyes followed him as he walked to the bar his boot heels kicking up little clouds of sawdust dust with every step and at the far end of the bar next to a tarnished brass spittoon (or maybe it was copper.) a cat stopped cleaning itself for a moment and held up a bandaged foot as if to say, “You shot my paw.”

PJs

2006-02-28T06:27:00.000-08:00

I couldn’t help but stare as she opened the door in her pajamas.
I remember thinking, “Pajamas with a door………interesting.”

Historical or Hysterical

2006-02-27T06:22:00.000-08:00

Alexander the Great rode into battle a piece of white cloth tied around his wrist soaked in the juice of a special wild berry so it changed to the color brown in the daylight growing progressively darker as the day wore on thereby allowing him to tell the time of day by its shade of brown; this crude but effective time piece became the world’s first wrist watch and later to be immortalized in the song Alexander’s rag time band.

Romantic Fiction

2006-02-26T07:12:00.000-08:00

Janice tried to comfort her friend with well worn cliques like “Size doesn’t matter” but she was not about to reveal that she too had once been Rodger’s lover and that she knew all too well that he was hung like a squirrel with erectile dysfunction, however she also knew that his heart was in the right place which was in his upper chest cavity slightly to the left.

Bedtime Story

2006-02-25T07:26:00.000-08:00

All the doctors at St. Helena’s Hospital agreed there was little hope for Fred as every organ in his body was shutting down after a lifetime of alcohol abuse and poor eating habits the inside of his intestinal tract looked like a dirty, dank, and decaying subway system in some crumbling city where blackened polyps hung in every corner lurking like tiny ticking terrorist time bombs waiting to explode into a burst of cancerous activity; however to Tommy the Tapeworm this was home.